


Sleepless Nights

by unaspectre



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Episode Tag, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-17
Updated: 2012-12-23
Packaged: 2017-11-21 09:47:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 8,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/596310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unaspectre/pseuds/unaspectre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SG1's sleepless nights.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stargate: The Movie

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Stonedtoad for betaing.  
> This is episode tags I wrote randomly that I've pulled together. These cover episodes from season one to five and the original movie.  
> Enjoy.

The clock glared 2:00 in bright red.

What a week. I don’t really know how it all happened at the one time. But these things usually all come at the one time. 

 

First the thing with Sarah, that was a disaster. 

Very smooth Daniel. 

Just tell her how you feel and explain how things can’t go any further right now.

Yeah right.

How do you tell someone they’re smothering you? It’s not that I don’t care about her, I do. Of course I do. But I just didn’t feel comfortable being with her.

It would have been easier smacking myself over the head, less painful for one thing. I’m sure once she’s had a few weeks…months…years? she’ll not automatically look for something to throw at my head.

 

Next came Nick.

I knew it probably wasn’t the best idea to tell him what the lecture I was giving was about but he had wanted to know. 

Then he started on about how stupid I was and how I was ruining my career. How I was crazier than he was. I should have just agreed with him, I should have just let him rant on about it. 

But no I had to argue back. 

It just made my blood boil so much I had to shout back and the next thing I know Nick is yelling at me to leave and never come back.

Abandoned once again by my only living relative.

Damn it hurt, it was like a knife twisting in my chest. But I couldn’t think about it, I had to be focused to give the Lecture.

 

The Lecture. 

Now there was one of the crowning glories of my life…I never thought I would ever see one room full of people ridiculing me.

How could they not realise how obvious it was. I can see it staring me in the face every time that I just don’t understand how they can’t see it.

I still can’t believe that when I started the room was full and next thing I knew everyone was gone.

Then came the job offer.

How strange was that? The Airforce and the woman, Dr. Langford offering me some sort of job. 

The envelope is sitting next to me and I just don’t know. Should I take this? She was right I had just lost everything. Hell, I’m sleeping on Robert’s couch at the moment. Thank God he was in the country.

It’s a job. A paying job at that. I could get some money together and then see what I could do.

Picking up the envelope I peer at it in the gloom. I was taking the job; there was no other option.

I wonder what it is?


	2. Children Of The Gods

She can’t be gone. 

She just can’t be.

I can’t get it out of my mind. Her eyes glowing as she didn’t even recognise me. That wasn’t my wife, that wasn’t the woman I know and love. That was something else, a parasite holding her hostage.

Oh God I can’t think about it but I can barely close my eyes without seeing it.

 

Jack says we’ll find her. 

I hope so. 

I need her; my life is empty without her, I need her.

One year ago I had nothing after that stupid lecture and then came the Stargate and Jack and Abydos. 

And Sha’re.

 

When I met her we had nothing in common. We didn’t even speak the same language but we still managed to communicate.

The first time I kissed her I knew I couldn’t be anywhere but with her. 

Then she died. 

I refused to let that be the end and I did something if I could have thought about it then I would have wondered about my sanity but I couldn’t lose her. Not after so short a time, not after I had fallen so in love with her I could barely think. So I risked my own life and took her to the Sarcophagus and brought her back the same way I had been brought back.

 

When Jack left and asked if I would be alright just looking at her smiling at me made me certain I would be. And I was. 

The past year was so wonderful and the happiest I have ever been in my life. Suddenly it’s gone.

I can still smell her sweet perfume and taste her from the kiss she gave me before I took Jack and the others to the cave.

If only I had followed my first instinct after that kiss and took her somewhere we could be alone I wouldn’t be back here.

 

Earth.

I thought I would never see it again and would never have to be here ever again. Abydos became my home so quickly; there was something about it that made me feel like I belonged. 

I have NEVER belonged anywhere before but I belonged there and now I am back on this ‘alien’ planet. I have left my home and I know I won’t see it for at least a year, an Abydonian year at that. Even when I find Sha’re we’ll have to stay here.

 

There is no one here that I can even go and see. Nobody probably even noticed I’d gone that’s why I stayed on Abydos because I had people who cared for me. I had a family; friends and I had someone who I love more than my own life.

 

Once again I’m sleeping on a friends spare bed, well lying here pretending to sleep. It’s been a long time since I’ve slept alone and every so often I’ve almost fallen asleep, I reach out to hold her but she’s not there. My wife is not lying next to me and I have no idea what I’m going to do without her.

Jack is letting me stay until I can find somewhere to stay permanently. I don’t know what I would do without him around. We barely knew each other but he has taken me in and is basically helping me survive this.

I know he feels guilty about what has happened to Sha’re and Skaara but he shouldn’t. If it wasn’t for him I would be running in circles without a clue.

Last night when we thought we could rescue them Jack gave me some beers and coupled with my worry that knocked me out. 

But now I can’t sleep, all I can see is those beautiful eyes I have gazed into so often glow and stare at me cold and hard.


	3. Thor's Hammer

It’s strange. 

I don’t know how I feel, though nothing is really new about that. I seem to live on a merry-go-round of bizarre emotions these days.

I destroyed the first chance we’ve found to save Sha’re. I aimed the staff weapon and blasted it. And for what?

For Teal’c.

The man who chose her, who stood and watched as that thing was put into the woman I love. It was the _first_ thing we’ve found that could free her, could free Skaara too and Jack handed me the staff. At first I stared at him unsure why he was making me do it but now I know why.

It had to be me. Jack knew that if it had been either him or Sam I probably would’ve hated them and it would have eaten away at me.

 

_“You’re part of this family now.”_

 

Jack’s words float through the cool night air as I sit on the couch unable to sleep. I’m once more staying with him. I do have an apartment now though it’s full of boxes and pretty much a death trap to try and walk through. I’m pretty sure Jack just didn’t want to leave me to brood all night.

Family.

My family is Skaara, Kasuf and Sha’re, has been for just over a year. Yet now I find that I am part of something else. For the first time in my life I’m actually connecting with a group of people completely different from me and I have no idea how to handle it.

I remember looking at Teal’c and seeing he was ready to stay there, ready to live there as long as it took for me to find my wife and bring her there to free her. That’s when I made the decision and I blasted the Hammer.

Teal’c would do anything to get Sha’re back for me and the knowledge of that makes me hopeful.

 

The one thing I did manage to bring back with me from Cimmeria is the knowledge that the host does survive.

Somewhere inside her body Sha’re’s brilliant mind and gentle soul is still there waiting for me to save her. 

And I will. 

I have to.


	4. Fire And Water

_“Jack, help me. Help me.”_

Covered in sweat I stare at the ceiling. It wasn’t true; Daniel wasn’t dead. He was alive, safe and fast asleep in my spare room.

I know this ‘cause I’ve checked on him three times already.

 

He was exhausted by the time we walked through the Gate but of course he was dragged to the infirmary.

When Janet suggested he stay there I got a pleading look. I’ve learned to read Daniel pretty well and I knew he didn’t want to be left alone so I talked her into letting me take him home.

She wasn’t happy and I don’t blame her but what could I do? When Daniel gives me that pleading, puppydog-eyed look I’m toast. He’s getting a little too good at that but I wouldn’t have him any other way.

 

I sent Carter and Teal’c to get us some food while I brought Daniel here. He was asleep in the car before I even left the base carpark and practically sleepwalked up the stairs. So the three of us sat in my living room just glad to know he was safe.

 

So now Carter’s sleeping on my couch, Teal’c is doing that meditation thing he does and I’m staring at the ceiling.

 

I still can’t believe we thought he was dead. 

If Daniel hadn’t shouted not to shoot I would have spilled that things guts over the sand for doing that to us. 

I still can’t get rid of that picture. 

It terrifies me that we…I almost lost him.

I’ve only known Daniel properly for a few months but he is an integral part of my life. Even for those few days that we thought he was dead I fell apart. Okay, a lot of that came from what that…thing did to us but I missed him.

I missed watching as he found something he thought was interesting and I missed listening as he talked about something I really didn’t give a damn about. I missed him. Hard to believe just over a year and a half ago I wouldn’t stop to even acknowledge his existence. It’s odd how things change.

I didn’t sleep more than a few hours during it. I tortured myself with what had happened and how the hell I would break the news to Sha’re when we found her.

 

Daniel will have to stay here until we find him a new apartment. He wasn’t too happy that we shut up his old one; I think he had become quite attached to it. Though his smile was unmistakable when Carter told him what I said in my speech during his memorial service.

 

_“Jack, help me. Help me.”_

 

Maybe I should check on him again?


	5. In The Line Of Duty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Onto Season Two, just remember I'm not good at writing Sam.

It’s odd.

All this time we’ve spent fighting the Goa’uld, hating them for what they have done to innocent people like my friends yet now I’m grateful to one for saving my life.

Jolinar.

I feel like I’m suffocating in this small room but I just don’t have the energy to leave. 

He saved me. 

He died for me and now I have no idea what I feel.

 

It didn’t hurt. 

Having him inside me, I don’t remember the pain that Kendra described. It was more like being wrapped in a damp cloth, just something stopping me taking control back. It was like I was a spectator in my own life. He kept whispering to me how sorry he was he had to do this. I wish I’d learned more about these Tok’ra but that isn’t possible. Jolinar is dead but I’m not.

 

What I’m really dreading is when Daniel asks me if I know where Sha’re is. I know he wants to I could see it in his eyes. Jolinar did know and I begged him not to use it against Daniel but he was desperate. The one thing that could crack Daniel’s resolve like an egg was the possibility Jolinar knew where his lost love is.

But he didn’t let me know. 

By this time Jolinar was just letting me watch and not giving me any information more than I needed to know.

I might get Jack to tell him because I don’t think I can look in his eyes and watch hope die. I don’t have the strength for that just now.

 

Cassie is asleep next to me.

She came in and hugged me without saying anything else. As I hugged her back I cried slightly comforted by this little girl I love so much. When Cassie fell asleep next to me I tried to sleep myself. 

Janet came in to take Cassie away but I held onto her so tight Janet just left her with me. 

 

I have my own team of carers though.

Jack, Daniel and Teal’c are all on standby if I need anything. I don’t think I realised until now how much I adore all three of them.

My team.

My friends.

My family.


	6. Secrets - Jack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every member of SG1 gets their say for this episode.

I now know this ceiling really well since I’ve been staring at it for the last few hours. God what a week. First that thing in Washington and then Abydos.

I managed to ignore what had happened in Washington as I focused all my attention on Daniel.

 

Teal’c gave us a quick rundown of what happened as Janet checked Daniel out after Heru’Ur smacked him. I talked her once again into letting me take him home with me. He needed to be around people so he wouldn’t wallow in his misery alone. At least with Sam and I here he had someone to vent his anger on.

 

He saw Sha’re and she was having Apophis’s kid. 

Then he delivered the kid. 

Daniel never ceases to amaze me. I know it must have been agony to just sit there and let her go when he was so close to getting her back. When he was so close to getting the woman he loves more than anything back into his life.

As I dragged him up to the spare room he looked at me with dead eyes and whispered my name before he started to crumble. 

I supported him as he finally asked for my help. 

The one thing about Daniel is he finds it so hard to ask for help, I think it comes from losing his parents when he was so young. He’s getting better at it though and right now I think that I’m going to have to just stick by him until he gets through this. I just hope he can.

 

But now I’m not needed I can’t help but think of another young man whose life was destroyed because of the Stargate.

At least Daniel is still alive.

Dammit, Armin why did you have to want this story? I mean there had to be something else out there that would have meant you would survive.

I can still feel his blood on my hands as he glared at me hatefully.

_“You did this, son of a bitch.”_

 

I might have well just have shot the guy myself.

There has to have been another way they could have stopped his story. 

Couldn’t they have shown him how important what we do is?

Anything but kill him.

 

I know that Hammond would never do anything like this but I know a hell of a lot of people above him who would happily do it. And I led them right to him.

If he hadn’t sought me out then we would have been none the wiser till he published it. What a stupid thing to do. You would think he would know better. But he didn’t, he’s dead and the programme is safe.

Now if I could just get some sleep.


	7. Secrets - Sam

What an insane few days.

When we made it back from Abydos every one of us just wanted to get out of Cheyenne Mountain and head somewhere, anywhere else.

Janet refused to let Teal’c out of the infirmary but the rest of us came back to Jack’s house. SG1’s other meeting place.

 

I can’t believe what happened the second we stepped through the Gate. Out of the Gate and into a firefight, fabulous. Then Apophis appearing and Sha’re being there leaving with him.

Daniel looks absolutely awful.

He’s still in shock I think but the Colonel refused to leave him alone in the infirmary to brood. I watched as he curled up on the couch and stared blankly at the wall. Looking at nothing his mind thousands of light years away before Colonel O’Neill forced him to go and get some sleep.

Even the quick explanation Teal’c gave us sounded bad enough. I can wait for the full debriefing. 

I was hoping to talk to Daniel before this happened, he’s the only one I feel could help me just now but until he recovers from the last few days I’ll have to keep this to myself.

 

Dad has cancer.

How can Dad, MY DAD, have cancer?

And the way he told me; it was like it didn’t even matter. Like it was just something no worse than a damn papercut.

I can barely take it in. 

I should call Mark; I’ll have to. Dad won’t.

What a conversation that’ll be:

_“Hey Mark, how are you? By the way Dad has cancer and he’s dying. Enjoy your day.”_

This can’t be right. There HAS to be some sort of mistake; it can’t be true.

 

But if it is there has to be something out there, out through the Stargate that can save him. And I’ll find it.

I’ll find it and I’ll save him.

What use is it having technology like that if it doesn’t help us?

 

I know Dad and I rarely see each other, God I was shocked to see him in Washington, but I know if he dies there will be a gaping hole in my life. 

I can’t even tell him what I do and why I was receiving the medal. It’s so frustrating I can’t tell him his little girl was part of a team responsible for saving the entire world. 

Turning down his offer of a place in NASA hurt because I couldn’t even tell him why. I couldn’t explain that I worked on something so important to humans. 

I wanted to tell him that I had already been in space and a lot further than anyone had been by shuttle. I wanted to tell him everything I had seen and all we had done especially why I was receiving the medal. 

But I couldn’t and I can’t.

 

But I refuse to give in to this. 

So I will take those three guys, my teammates, my friends and we’ll find something to help him.

I have to because I don’t think I can face the alternative.


	8. Secrets - Teal'c

As I sit here in the infirmary watching my teammates leave I feel that I am extremely lucky. Dr. Fraiser assures me that my injury shall heal quickly thanks to my symbiote. ‘Junior’ as O’Neill calls it heals all my injuries but I would happily be dead if it meant that Daniel Jackson was not in pain once more.

 

Discovering Sha’re on Abydos shocked us both. Discovering her with child was a bigger shock for him and caused him deep pain. My part in having chosen her was forgiven by Daniel Jackson but facing the young woman who I had condemned to a life of torture and suffering I wished I could do anything to change what I had done. However all I could do was ask for her forgiveness.

 

Before we left for the Stargate as Daniel Jackson was talking with Kasuf, Sha’re turned to me.

“I know what you did was only out of fear,” she told me quietly, “And I know if you could change what has happened you would. Dan’iel trusts you and I know he has forgiven you,” she stopped and gave me a sweet smile, “There is no need to ask for my forgiveness, I have never blamed you but I ask you for one thing.”

“Anything,” I told her with sincerity.

“If something happens to me you must promise that you shall protect him,” she implored, “I need to know if I am taken again that Dan’iel shall be safe.”

“I promise you,” I nodded gently to her, “Though he has always been protected by myself, Captain Carter and O’Neill.”

She nodded slightly relief filling her eyes as Daniel appeared beside her and took her hand. The look of love that passed between them was incredible. I have always loved Drey’ac but it was nothing compared to what I knew they felt for each other. Walking towards the Stargate I hoped that we could get back to Earth safely but something told me things would not go as planned.

 

Hiding in the caves Daniel Jackson’s insistence that he would not abandon his wife left me knowing that it was very possible we would be killed but I knew my duty was to protect them both. Stopping the Horus guard from beating Kasuf gave me a way to save both Daniel Jackson and the child. I knew that their safety was the most important thing to Sha’re and she would be able to fight Ammonet until we were able to help her knowing they were both safe.

Heading back to Kasuf Daniel Jackson carried the child protectively, gazing at him every so often with such affection and sadness. Handing over the child to his father in law I could see the agony in Daniel Jackson’s eyes. He wanted to keep the child with him but there was no way we would be able to get past Heru-Ur with the child. I explained my plan for escape to him and he agreed. Bidding Kasuf farewell we headed back to the Stargate. 

 

When Apophis appeared through the Stargate we hid. Crouching behind Daniel Jackson I watched as Ammonet appeared. I could feel him become rigid in both fear and anger. If Apophis harmed Sha’re in any way for the loss of the child I knew I would probably be unable to restrain him but Apophis only touched her cheek affectionately before turning to leave. 

Suddenly Sha’re turned and looked directly at him. The sadness in her eyes was equalled with relief that he was safe and I silently repeated my promise to her.

I would protect Daniel Jackson and one day I would help free Sha’re from the prison I had placed her in.


	9. Secrets - Daniel

I can’t believe I had to let her go.

I hid and watched as Apophis took her from me again. God it hurt just to sit there. I couldn’t even try to stop it because we would have ended up dead then she’d have no hope left.

 

I was so confused the way Kasuf marched us to the town. 

Then I saw her. 

Sha’re was sitting there working as she always did. As she glanced up the look of horror that passed over her face when she saw that I could see where the child was struck me like a knife. When I realised who the father was I couldn’t handle it, I just suddenly filled with pure rage and hate.

And I was so angry that I left. 

I walked out and abandoned her when she needed me most. I heard her cry out but I didn’t care. 

Thankfully Teal’c made me realise how selfish I was being. 

When I walked back in and she thought I hated her I just felt ill that she didn’t know how much I love her, how she is the one who completes me. Then she asked me to forgive her. That rocked me to the core.

 

Taking her in my arms I held onto her and I promised to take her home with me, I promised she would be safe, I promised I would find some way to help her and we would be together again.

But I wasn’t able to keep those promises and she’s gone again.

 

At least the child is safe. 

I can still hear her begging me to stop it coming, knowing that the Gould would resurface. Knowing that we would be separated again and the possibility we would never find each other ever again was there.

When I refused to leave her in the cave alone she smiled in relief. 

I can still hear her voice whisper to me, _“You do love me.”_

 

The child, he was so beautiful. So tiny and delicate. 

At least I could protect him.

It’s like a hot twisting knife in me and the pain is unbearable. Apophis gave her the one thing I couldn’t. 

A child. 

We had wanted a baby for so long. I wanted the family I never had and it wasn’t through lack of trying but Sha’re had never became pregnant.

 

Why weren’t we fast enough to bring her home? Why did this have to happen? Why did Heru’Ur have to choose the moment we were trying to leave to come? Because he arrived the baby started to come and I lost everything again.

 

Jack dragged me here with Sam. I think he felt it would be a good idea for me not to stay in the infirmary though I know Janet wanted me to stay there. Maybe there I could have something to help me sleep.

Jack looked in recently and I pretended I was sleeping. There is no point in him losing sleep.

 

But I know that I found her once and I will find her again.

I promise Sha’re I’ll find you and we’ll be together once more.

I promise.

I promise.

I promise.


	10. Secrets - Sha're

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Although this was only meant to be SG1’s thoughts, I thought it was only fair to let Sha’re have her say.

My captor is sleeping but I cannot.

These past few months on Abydos I prayed yet I feared Daniel would come and find me there. That he would see and know the shame I had hidden from my Father.

I had no idea that my Father had gone to the pyramid to meet him so I was shocked when my husband walked in.

Daniel looked so horrified when he saw where the child lay. His voice became cold and hard as he refused to believe me before he walked out.

 

In that moment I feared the Goa’uld had managed to completely destroy my life as I believed Daniel no longer loved me.

But he does. 

He held me in his arms; he whispered I was safe and that he would take me somewhere where Apophis would never find me.

I know he tried and I love him for that.

As the child started to come I just wanted him to make it stop, I needed him to stop it. He couldn’t and though he knew Ammonet would emerge as soon as the child came he stayed by my side through it all.

_“I said I am not leaving her, Teal’c.”_

 

I wish there was someway I could escape and find him but I am stuck here. This thing inside of me makes me a prisoner.

But for one small moment I prevailed.

I stopped her from revealing that he and his friends were watching us. It hurt so much to walk away but it meant Daniel was safe. If anything had happened to him I would not have forgiven myself but he is safe and his friends shall take care of him until we can be together again.

It was because I couldn’t let Apophis harm him that I walked through the Stargate with the Demon.

 

Watching the stars always makes me remember our time together on Abydos; Daniel loved looking at the stars. It was something he did with his parents when he was a child and he passed on that love to me as we sat out on the sand dunes at night, as we learned about each other during our first few weeks together. 

I miss that so much. 

Being with him, sitting next to him as we talked about anything and everything, teaching each other about our different worlds. 

He loved to brush his fingers through my hair or touch my face as we sat together and as he helped me through the birth of the child I felt him do it. The comfort that small gesture brought to me was astounding.

 

Ammonet finds my grief amusing and taunts me constantly but I do not care just now. All I care about now is that I know he loves me and nothing she does can ever take that away from me. And one day I know Daniel shall find me and remove her from me and my life will start once again.

I just have to hold on till then.

 

But until that day I will let his words whisper in my heart.

_“I love you.”_


	11. Forever In A Day

Lying here on the couch at Daniel’s apartment staring at the ceiling I know one thing.

It’s over.

The looking, the searching it’s all over.

Sha’re is dead.

But for Daniel the agony is just beginning.

 

It wasn’t exactly hard to work out what had happened. Staff blast wound to her chest, Teal’c looking guilty as hell. Sam’s assessment of ‘Oh God’ was right.

I didn’t want to make him move from there, that would be when the pain would really start but we had to go.

He softly asked me to take her back home; he didn’t have the strength to carry her. I handed Teal’c my gun before gently picking up Sha’re’s body.

Sam helped Daniel to his feet and gave him support as we walked back towards the Stargate.

 

As we walked I took a look at the young woman who my friend has been searching for and just wanted to scream in fury at the Universe.

They didn’t deserve this. Daniel and Sha’re deserved better. I’ve never met someone as sweet and as strong as Sha’re was and I wish I could change it.

They loved each other so much. 

I knew it when we came out of the pyramid after we killed Ra; the way they were attached at the mouth gave it away.

Then that look of absolute adoration they gave each other on Abydos before she was taken told me they were fine and that last kiss. Daniel told me when we were talking one night it was all he could think about when she was taken. 

Now she was gone for good.

We were almost there when I heard Sam call to Daniel. Turning I saw him fold to the ground as all his energy left him. Teal’c quickly picked him up and we headed home.

 

I took Sha’re to the morgue myself unable to let anyone else take her. There I left strict instructions for them to get rid of all Ammonet’s makeup, jewellery and clothing. I wanted everything the Gould wore, every trace of her gone so that when Daniel saw Sha’re she looked like the woman he’d married. When Kasuf came to be with her I headed to check on Daniel.

 

I hoped he remembered what had happened for the purely selfish reason; I didn’t want to have to tell him. I know I would have if I’d had to but I really didn’t want to have to look in his eyes and tell him she was dead. 

I didn’t have to. 

He opened his eyes and looked straight at me.

“She’s gone, isn’t she?”

When I nodded he just closed his eyes and sighed before he asked to see her. I went with him, just the two of us. Kasuf was waiting and he embraced Daniel in silence before the attendant pulled back the sheet.

She looked like she was sleeping; Daniel gently traced his fingers over her face before he leaned over and softly kissed her. I heard him whisper something but I couldn’t understand what he said.

I left him as he tried to get some sleep worried at how much he was shutting down.

 

As I was heading back to the infirmary after the debriefing I could hear him arguing with Janet, begging her to let him go home.

I started to offer to take him back to his apartment and stay with him but that wasn’t what he meant.

He meant Abydos.

His home, where his heart belonged and where he felt he belonged.

Sadly Janet refused, she wanted him to rest before the funeral so I brought him back here.

 

He had bought her things.

Clothes, shoes, and stuff she would need if she was staying on Earth. 

Gifts too. 

Little things he thought she would have liked.

Then I found the small jewellery box. I really wished I hadn’t.

Inside were two gold bands, wedding rings.

“I bought them after I saw her on Abydos,” he explained quietly, “So she knew when I got her back how much I love her.”

He dropped his head before grabbing a small glass bird and hurling it at the wall in pure rage.

He started yelling how unfair it was, cursing everyone and everything from Apophis to me.

Then he crumpled to the floor.

I caught him as he wept for his lost love as all his rage, hate and pain from the past few years came flooding out. I let him cling to me as he grieved unable to do anything but be there for him.

Making him lie down I gave him the sedative Janet had supplied me with to help him sleep.

I just wish she’d added one for me. 

The funeral is tomorrow and I just hope to hell he’s calmer but I think most of it is out of his system. Now he just has to learn to live again without the hope.

Closing my eyes all I can do is silently promise Sha’re I’ll take care of him and I’ll find Skaara. One of them will survive.

I just hope Daniel can.


	12. Shades Of Gray

You know it’s times like these I really wish I’d done something else with my life. It’s been a few hours since my team found out about the deception the Tollan and Asgard insisted I play alone.

I finished my report and couldn’t be bothered going home so I’m sitting in the commissary at 3 am drinking coffee, which is like tar and trying to sort out my own head. Pretending to become him again- I just wanted to refuse the request. I left him behind on Ra’s ship with that bomb all because of one shy stubborn as hell archaeologist. And now, Daniel barely even looked me in the eye as he let me have it with that straw jibe. 

 

Sam and Teal’c they both understood, okay Sam is severely pissed at me and it’ll probably take a few days, weeks? of apologies before she’ll talk to me without that look of ‘you bastard’.

Teal’c nodded in understanding when I apologised to him. Sam nodded as well but still looked annoyed as hell. 

Daniel however gave me an angry look and left.

 

Dammit, why did I agree to do this? Oh yes, because I was given no choice.

I saw Daniel’s look when I was leaving Earth supposedly for good. He didn’t stand in the Gateroom with the others but behind the glass in the control room looking truly confused and troubled. I hurt him badly. Telling him that our friendship had no solid foundation was hard to say but it was worse to see the pain in his eyes. I know how much Daniel depends on our friendship and has since Sha’re was taken from him, even more so since she died and because I was trying to keep him and the other two safe I cut it out from under him.

 

Daniel is without a doubt one of the most important people in my life. His refusal to let me kill myself for no reason on Abydos struck me and completely shattered the wall I’d built around my heart. 

Of course I was lying when I said our friendship wasn’t real, it’s the realest thing in my life. Since I lost Charlie and Sara, SG1 has become my family. Teal’c, Sam and Daniel, three people who I would gladly give my life for. Unfortunately I have no idea how I’m going to fix things with Daniel. 

When I asked Sam she told me one word, grovel.

I can do that. And I will until Daniel forgives me, no matter how long it takes cause I need him. 

I need them all. And THAT Jack O’Neill, son of a bitch, hard-ass undercover operative is gone for good. I don’t care what happens I’m never jeopardising the connection I have with those three ever again.


	13. Absolute Power

You’ve got to hand it to me; I really can say the dumbest things.

Once again Jack ‘How far down my throat can my foot go?’ O’Neill opens his big mouth.

It started off as a simple observation then it went somewhere else altogether. I suddenly realised what I was saying, who I was saying it to and more importantly who I was talking about.

I should have just shot myself then and there; it would have been less painful than having Daniel with a dead look flatly finish my sentence.

_“Fathered the child.”_

 

Having the kid there was bad enough.

Daniel seems to have been doing okay recently. The first anniversary of her death, one of the hardest times there is, passed quietly with just us two at my house where we talked, where I listened to him and comforted him.

But the kid, HER kid being here just hit him like a ton of bricks.

I know spending time with Shifu made him strangely happy. This was Sha’re’s child after all and that small connection to her was something he hasn’t had in a long time. But Shifu was also a harsh reminder of what that scum-sucking snakehead did to the woman he loved, the woman he still loves.

 

When Shifu had left I went looking for Daniel who had decided to pull one of his brilliant disappearing acts. He used to do it a lot in the early days but we learned his hiding places and didn’t leave him alone for long. So Sam and I split up and went searching for him. I finally found him on top of the mountain looking at the stars. One of his favourite things to do is stargazing. It reminds him of happier times, when he was a child and when he was on Abydos. 

When I found him I called Sam to tell her she could stop searching and I sat next to him in silence just waiting until he was ready to talk.

 

Finally he spoke. He told me what he dreamed.

It scared him. 

Scared him a lot that this knowledge changed him so much. I know he feels he’s lost a lot of who he is over the past few years and I’ve noticed it too.

But nobody could go through what he’s been through and stay the same.

His openness towards people isn’t the same. He still walks in and expects to make friends; he just doesn’t mean it the same.

He’s more wary and that makes me sad. That innocence and enthusiasm he once had is gone and nothing can bring it back. A big part of him died with Sha’re and as much as I hoped time would heal that wound it hasn’t. Finally I managed to persuade him to come back inside and I sent him to get some sleep as I went to do the same. Unfortunately I’m unable to comply with my own order as I think back to what he told me.

 

What sticks in my mind is the way he described what the dreams showed him to become, a James Bond villain.

At least he laughed at my comment. That gave me a little hope he’ll be okay.

Our Daniel Jackson, The Man With The Golden Gould.


	14. Meridian - Jack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I originally wrote this directly after seeing Meridian but couldn't go near it until after I saw Abyss when I finished the other two as well.  
> These are the last three chapters I wrote for this series.  
> Enjoy

He’s gone.

I opened my mouth and told Jacob to stop, to stop saving him and now…

He’s not dead. I keep reminding myself of this; he’s not dead.

He’s just gone.

 

I don’t understand why he left but to be perfectly honest I guess I never really did understand him. Daniel was one of those people who was just brilliant and not only in the IQ area. He had a quality about him that drew people to him; hell it got me.

The entire base is in mourning. Ever since he did that glow thing in the infirmary there’s been a depression everyone is feeling. Sam’s being comforted by Jacob but she’s pretty much inconsolable since her ‘twin’ has gone. Teal’c is in constant Kel-no-reem, Hammond is pretending to work, Janet is with Cassie and I’m in Daniel’s office. We’ll have to tell Kasuf and Skaara, I’ll have to do it because I owe it to them both. Two more people who loved him, his family.

 

He seemed happy. Content with his decision.

That’s something I haven’t seen in him in a long time. 

Losing Sha’re, Shifu entering and leaving his life so quickly, not being able to save his friend Sarah and death all around constantly ate away at him. I could see it in his eyes over the past few months yet he didn’t think about himself when he stopped that weapon.

That’s who he was, that was the kind of person Daniel was…is, self-sacrificing.

We’ll have to work out what to do with all his stuff. My office always looked the epitome of tidiness compared to this mess but he always knew where everything was.

Gently picking up Sha’re’s picture I gaze in wonder at the sweet woman who loved my friend as deeply as he loved her. It gets me wondering if he would have done all the insane things he did if she were alive and with him. 

I’m guessing no.

So many times over the past few years I wished she were here for him but none more than today because he wouldn’t have left me…us.

 

Even as he lay dying I couldn’t tell him what he truly meant to me. Daniel was the best friend I ever had. He saw me in the darkest moments of my life and pulled me through. I don’t think he ever realised how much we all need him as our guiding light. How much we all love him

Looking back down on his guiding light I smile an idea springing to mind. I carefully wrap her picture in a piece of cloth and leave the base.

 

I don’t honestly remember the last time I slept but I don’t feel tired as I sit here fixing this. It took me a while to find the right picture of Daniel but finally I did. It was taken in a rare moment not long after he’d come back to Earth when he was daydreaming about happier times and his smile actually reached his eyes. When I finished I fixed it in the frame and placed it prominently on the mantelpiece. Looking at them together the way they should be, I finally let myself feel it. As my tears started to fall I raised my beer to the man who opened the universe to us but lost so much because of it.

 

Good luck to you Dr Jackson, Daniel, Danny, Spacemonkey, my friend. Good luck to you wherever you are.


	15. Meridian - Sam

I don’t know how long I’ve been crying but I just can’t seem to stop.

Daniel’s gone.

For the past few hours since he disappeared in a ball of light I’ve been sitting here being hugged by my father. I’m so tired. I don’t remember the last time I slept though maybe I am sleeping and this is all a dream. I wish that were true because I could wake up from this and he’d still be here.

 

Daniel became like a brother to me, Jack would tease us about being twins and in a way we were. I adore him and I have since the moment I met him. Okay, my gushing hello earned me a confused look from him and a ‘keep away’ look from Sha’re. Though she never had to worry about anyone taking him from her, Daniel worshipped her. After Sha’re was taken Daniel lived to find her and I was lucky enough to become his friend. When she died I feared he would leave us but he pulled through.

Now he’s gone.

 

Dad keeps telling me it’s not my fault, there was nothing I could have done and I know this is true, I do. But as usual there’s this small part of me that keeps thinking maybe I missed something. Watching him die though, watching him in agony was unbearable and I agreed with Janet in her wish just to stop his suffering. It tore her apart that she couldn’t save him.

It’s odd after all these years we’ve pulled ourselves out of the fire and come home together that SG1 now no longer exists. Well it does but not in the way it should. It’s going to be hard over the next few months trying to work without him there. Daniel was an integral part of SG1’s incredible dynamic.

 

After he’d gone Teal’c whispered something then Selmac added something else. Dad told me it was a sort of blessing in his memory. 

Dad became friends with all of SG1 and I know he had a soft spot for Daniel because that was what Daniel did. He got to you and you found yourself wanting to protect him. He had so many friends and admirers within the SGC that he didn’t realise about and everyone is in mourning for his loss.

 

After he left we split. Janet went to write her report and work out how to tell Cassie. I can’t do that, Cassie has always adored Daniel and to lose him without the chance to say goodbye will be devastating for the little girl who’s already lost so many people she loves. Teal’c told us he needed to enter Kel-no-reem soon otherwise he would become ill. General Hammond also had to write a report and the Colonel just left. I don’t understand why he doesn’t seem to care?

He smiled strangely before disappearing. I always thought they were closer than any of us, I knew how much Daniel depended on Jack yet he’s not even slightly sad Daniel’s gone. He seems, not happy but in some way pleased.

Not pleased but…it’s hard to describe. I want to ask him how he knew that Daniel wanted Dad to stop and I will. I don’t know if he’ll tell us but I have to ask.

 

I’m going to miss Daniel so much but wherever he is I hope he’s finally got the peace he deserves.


	16. Meridian - Teal'c

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always I found Teal'c the hardest to write for but hopefully I got his voice. This makes reference to my story Forgiveness but it's not necessary to have read it

As much as I try I find I cannot enter Kel-no-reem. The events of the past few hours keep replaying within my mind, the loss of the young man who became the heart and soul of the small group of people I was honoured to be part of has devastated me.

During my years as First Prime I saw and did many terrible things, no less than taking the wife Daniel adored away from him, but he forgave me and at one point even argued for my actions. Daniel Jackson became my friend and I found this an honour I was sure I was not worthy of.

Because of me he lost so much and yet he never once hated or blamed me instead he offered me his hand in friendship. Someone like that should not have had the pain and heartache he went through. I just hope now he has found the peace he truly deserves.

 

Watching him in such pain was agonising to all of us. 

I found Major Carter crying outside the room not wanting to do it in front of him; I am pleased that Jacob Carter is here to comfort her just now. General Hammond is doing a report, Dr Fraiser is doing her work and Colonel O’Neill just disappeared.

I wish to know how he knew that Daniel Jackson wished just to go and I know both Major Carter and myself shall ask when we get the chance.

 

Trying once again to settle into my much-needed Kel-no-reem I think back to when he came and spoke of what Sha’re told him before she died. It was about a week later he came and gave me a fresh white candle for my Kel-no-reem. O’Neill told me it was a peace offering. The candle has never been used; I had never wished to use it but now.

 

Carefully I light the candle and relax closing my eyes. As I move deeper into my meditation memories of my friend play in my mind and I smile.

He is somewhere much better than here. He will no longer be harmed and I know that the rest of SG1 will agree that it is the best thing for him.

His memory shall live on in the SGC. This place is his legacy, he opened the Stargate and he shall be forever remembered. As O’Neill said at his memorial service so many years ago, he opened the Universe to the people of the Tauri. Now he has taken the next step into it.

 

I will always miss him but knowing he wanted it makes it easier. Daniel Jackson may be gone physically but his spirit lives in every part of this base and in every person lucky enough to have known him.

SG1 shall carry his spirit forever.


End file.
